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Rejected Onion Headlines

I'm a big fan of The Onion and sometimes come up with my own headlines. Now I've decided to share some of the least awful ones with you in a (possibly reoccurring) segment we're calling "Rejected Onion Headlines"   Enjoy!

• Rapper Second Guesses Jewelry Room in Midst of Bankruptcy Filing
• China Busy Manufacturing Cute Kitten Pictures to Keep American Workforce Unproductive
• Study shows: 63% of Smartphone Users are Morons
• Man on Acid: "Rainbow Tastes Nothing Like Skittles"
• Man in Home Office Has Mixed Feelings About Masturbating at Work
• Rush Limbaugh's Life in Crisis After Wet Dream About Obama
• Convinced She is Good Luck Charm, A-rod Restricting Girlfriend Kate Hudson to Diet of Rabbit's Feet and Four Leaf Clovers