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Getting Nothing Done: 10 Tips on How to Succesfully Accomplish Almost Nothing at Work

The economy is in the crapper and I'm sure some of you out there are working shitty, soul-pulverizing jobs  just to make that paper. Well friends, here at LionsFood we care about your wellbeing and that's why we have assembled a list of helpful tips to cut your workload in half so you can spend more time browsing reddit/facebook/delicious/etc and looking at cute pictures of puggles online.

1. Always Be "Busy": Whenever someone tries to assign you a task tell them you are far too busy. "Swamped with work" is an expression a productive person might use. If they ask what you are busy with be as vague as possible. Say you are working on an important project for someone else in the office. If they demand specifics say you'd love to tell them but pinkie swore you wouldn't, then put your finger on their lips and whisper, "Shhhhh"
2. Ignore All Emails: Refuse to communicate via email. Uninstall Outlook or whatever email program your office uses. When someone asks if you got a particular email say it didn't come through and if they want to reach you they should send a telegram. Announce that you can't send emails because you ran out of "e-stamps" and when they tell you that's not it works raise your voice and say, "I think I know a thing or two about the magic porn-giving box" while furiously winking.
3. Always  Be Leaving For Lunch Or To Grab Coffee: Keep your jacket next to you at all times and if anyone comes into your office or tries to talk to you stand up and say you were just on your way out. If they inquire as to when you will return yell "I'm on my break!"
4. Don't Talk To Anyone: Try not to talk to anyone else at your job. In fact, try to avoid eye contact all together. If someone says "Good Morning" mumble "What's so good about it?" as you stare at the floor. If no one wants to talk to you it is far less likely they will ask you to do something.
5. Spend Hours In The Bathroom: Grab a book, magazine, newspaper, or your phone and head to the bathroom. Sit on the toilet and just stay there. If people start to inquire about your bathroom habits attribute it to some rare stomach disorder and act really offended and/or embarrassed depending on your mood.
6. Make a Big Fuss When Anyone Asks You To Do Anything: Sigh loudly and ask in an annoyed tone, "You're kidding me right?" Make a big commotion and let them know they are ruining your day and  have a lot of nerve. This applies to anything not just work related matters. Some one asks you to press a floor for them on the elevator? Retort, "What am I emperor elevator now?" Someone wants you to sign a card for an ill coworker? Say, "You can't be serious? You want me to like write a message? With a pen? Are you for real??" It doesn't matter how insignificant what they are asking is all that matters is that you make a big stink.
7. When Forced To Actually Do Something, Do It Really Slowly: Take two hours to write a simple memo. Spend the whole day working on an unimportant spreadsheet. Whatever you are assigned to do make sure you do it as slow as you possibly can. If you take forever on even the most menial tasks people will eventually get so frustrated they'll  find someone else to do the work or do it their damn self.
8. Act Dumb, Like Really, Really, Stupid: Ask questions like "What do you mean?" and "Could you clarify?" to anything they ask of you. They ask if you could type up a report? "What exactly do you mean by that? Like you want me to use a typewriter or something?" The key here is to be seen as so incapable that no one will ask you to do anything because they know it will be quicker and less hassle for them to do it themselves.
9. Disgust Your Fellow Workers: Pick your nose all the time. Clip your toenails at weekly meetings. Pee in the sink. Get a real terrible body odor going so no one will want to get near you. If they can't get near you they can't give you work.
10. Scare Them: Act creepy, as creepy as you can manage. Sharpen knives with a visible erection in the break room. Keep a framed photo of Jon Benet Ramsey on your desk. If anyone asks you about it tell them it's your girlfriend,  your Ex-girlfriend (be sure to stress the EX part) and then giggle uncontrollably. If your coworkers fear for their safety around you they wont be dropping by your office to ask a favor.

There you go. If you follow these simple steps I guarantee you that your workload will begin to drastically diminish. Coworkers and supervisors will ask less and less of you and won't expect much in return when they do. In fact if you continue to act in the manner I've prescribed above, you will eventually be given no work at all and told to just stay home where you can watch T.V. all day and complain to friends and family about how difficult it is to find a job in this economy.