Assassination
1987 105 Minutes
Taglines:
"They were reluctant running mates . . . in a race for their lives!"
"The secret service has never been this lethal"
Assassination is a pretty decent Bronson movie. He plays a secret service agent who against his wishes is assigned to protect the First Lady (who they call One Mama). Everything is routine until there is an assassination attempt on the First Lady and Bronson discovers there is a team of assassins on the loose who are determined to kill her. So Bronson and the First Lady (his real life wife at the time) go on the run together. The First Lady is so annoying for a while I was hoping that the assassins got her so the movie could focus more on Bronson kicking ass and less on his relationship with the First Lady. Eventually though, she kinda grows on you.
Bronson also has a couple of sidekicks, both of them fellow secret service agents: A black no nonsense tough guy and a cute asian woman who eventually seduces Bronson. The banter between Bronson and the Asian chick provide some of the most enjoyable parts of the film. After sleeping together the woman asks him why he doesn't just move in with her. Bronson's reply, "I don't want to die of a terminal orgasm." I have no idea what a terminal orgasm is, but then again, I never slept with Charles Bronson.
Other gems from the spunky Asian:
"Are your salmon swimming upstream?"
"Are you trying to melt that iceberg?"
And my absolute favorite: "Now you're sure you never had a roll with that tootsie?"
Assassination has some decent action scenes. There is a chase on a dirt bike with Bronson (or rather a very obvious stunt double) doing jumps and shooting at the bad guy with some sort of gun attached to the front. Also there is a speedboat vs. Jet ski chase with Bronson unfortunately not on the Jet ski.
There are also a decent number of explosions. This is one of those movies where things explode for seemingly no reason. A car crashes into a river. A few moments later...KABOOM! Of course it is ridiculous. That's the fun.
Verdict: A good Bronson Action movie. Campy and enjoyable the whole way through. Rent it and beware of a terminal orgasm.
Trailer:
10 to Midnight
1983 101 Minutes
Blurb:
A serial killer, Warren Stacey, messes with the wrong person when he chooses the daughter of rogue cop Leo Kessler (Bronson) as his next victim. Kessler nabs him on a trumped-up charge to put him in the slammer -- but it doesn't stick, and Stacey walks. When he goes back to his murderous deeds, Kessler's determined to get him off the streets for good.
10 to midnight is a classic Bronson movie. It was made when he was in his 60's but he is still as badass as ever. It is a good 80's style thriller and the acting by Bronson and the killer is excellent.
The killer in the movie is a Grade A creep. First of all, everytime he kills someone he has to be naked, no matter where he is. Apparently he cannot kill someone unless he is totally naked. He doesn't rape any of his victims a fact Bronson found obvious, "He obviously uses his knife as his penis" Bronson concludes. The killer also drives a Volswagen bug so it is clear that this is a total creep we are dealing with.
We also discover that Bronson's character hates quiche and only put it on his lunch tray becasue he thought it was pie. I bet Bronson himself isn't too fond of quiche. In fact I bet he despises it.
Verdict: Good Bronson movie and a decent thriller. Not too action packed but a couple moments that might make you jump. Worth watching for the creepy nudist serial killer alone.
Trailer:
See that sweet gunshot they keep showing in the trailer, the one they feature prominently on the box cover? Yeah that one. It's the only one in the movie.
Kinjite: Forbidden Subjects
1989 97 Minutes
Blurb From Netflix:
A Japanese businessman goes to the cops for help when his daughter is abducted by a nefarious prostitution ring. Lieutenant Crowe (Charles Bronson) a man who unfortunately bears a strong prejudice against the Japanese, is on the case; fortunately, however, he hates pimps who prey on teens even more. Directed by J. Lee Thompson, Kinjite is considered one of Bronson's best action movies.
First off, only a total asshole would consider this to be one of Bronson's best action movies so you can forget that bullshit right away.
Secondly, That box cover is hot. They later replaced it with this turd:
Why?
Strangest parts of this movie:
- Bronson shoving a dildo (off-screen thankfully) up a guys ass after catching him with a teenage prostitute.
- Telling a pimp, after being given an expensive watch as a bribe: "I'd like to shove this up your ass, but I don't want to dirty my hands."
I don't know what's up with Bronson and guys asses in this movie but I don't like it.
- Bronson interupting a Japanese wedding (or some other big ceremony) to yell at them. "You walk around like you own the place. This is Los Angeles not Japan!"
The problem with this movie is that it is really two different stories,the story of the Japanese businessman and the story of the Japanese hating detective but the stories never come together in a satisfying way. In one scene the businessman touches Bronson's daughter's "special place" on the bus (which prompts Bronson's rants on the Japanese) but when they meet later in the movie there is no recognition. You keep waiting for Bronson to figure it out but he doesn't. Lame.
Verdict: A strange and not very good movie. Some decent action scenes but the story never comes together and you never get a reason to care about the characters. Watch it if you really like Bronson or weird movies.
Look how high I can kick!
Update: Found the trailer on youtube. It is awesome.
"That's Justice."