Assassination
1987 105 Minutes
Taglines:
"They were reluctant running mates . . . in a race for their lives!"
"The secret service has never been this lethal"
Assassination is a pretty decent Bronson movie. He plays a secret service agent who against his wishes is assigned to protect the First Lady (who they call One Mama). Everything is routine until there is an assassination attempt on the First Lady and Bronson discovers there is a team of assassins on the loose who are determined to kill her. So Bronson and the First Lady (his real life wife at the time) go on the run together. The First Lady is so annoying for a while I was hoping that the assassins got her so the movie could focus more on Bronson kicking ass and less on his relationship with the First Lady. Eventually though, she kinda grows on you.
Bronson also has a couple of sidekicks, both of them fellow secret service agents: A black no nonsense tough guy and a cute asian woman who eventually seduces Bronson. The banter between Bronson and the Asian chick provide some of the most enjoyable parts of the film. After sleeping together the woman asks him why he doesn't just move in with her. Bronson's reply, "I don't want to die of a terminal orgasm." I have no idea what a terminal orgasm is, but then again, I never slept with Charles Bronson.
Other gems from the spunky Asian:
"Are your salmon swimming upstream?"
"Are you trying to melt that iceberg?"
And my absolute favorite: "Now you're sure you never had a roll with that tootsie?"
Assassination has some decent action scenes. There is a chase on a dirt bike with Bronson (or rather a very obvious stunt double) doing jumps and shooting at the bad guy with some sort of gun attached to the front. Also there is a speedboat vs. Jet ski chase with Bronson unfortunately not on the Jet ski.
There are also a decent number of explosions. This is one of those movies where things explode for seemingly no reason. A car crashes into a river. A few moments later...KABOOM! Of course it is ridiculous. That's the fun.
Verdict: A good Bronson Action movie. Campy and enjoyable the whole way through. Rent it and beware of a terminal orgasm.
Trailer:
10 to Midnight
1983 101 Minutes
Blurb:
A serial killer, Warren Stacey, messes with the wrong person when he chooses the daughter of rogue cop Leo Kessler (Bronson) as his next victim. Kessler nabs him on a trumped-up charge to put him in the slammer -- but it doesn't stick, and Stacey walks. When he goes back to his murderous deeds, Kessler's determined to get him off the streets for good.
10 to midnight is a classic Bronson movie. It was made when he was in his 60's but he is still as badass as ever. It is a good 80's style thriller and the acting by Bronson and the killer is excellent.
The killer in the movie is a Grade A creep. First of all, everytime he kills someone he has to be naked, no matter where he is. Apparently he cannot kill someone unless he is totally naked. He doesn't rape any of his victims a fact Bronson found obvious, "He obviously uses his knife as his penis" Bronson concludes. The killer also drives a Volswagen bug so it is clear that this is a total creep we are dealing with.
We also discover that Bronson's character hates quiche and only put it on his lunch tray becasue he thought it was pie. I bet Bronson himself isn't too fond of quiche. In fact I bet he despises it.
Verdict: Good Bronson movie and a decent thriller. Not too action packed but a couple moments that might make you jump. Worth watching for the creepy nudist serial killer alone.
Trailer:
See that sweet gunshot they keep showing in the trailer, the one they feature prominently on the box cover? Yeah that one. It's the only one in the movie.
The Savages
2007 114 Minutes
Blurble:
Carrying the emotional scars of an abusive childhood, siblings Wendy Savage(Laura Linney) a long-aspiring playwright, and Jon Savage (Philip Seymour Hoffman) , a drama professor, now face the challenge of caring for their ailing elderly father, Lenny , despite their emotional disconnect from him and each other.
I liked this movie. The acting is really strong from both Hoffman (who is always good) and Linney. It's a character driven indie drama and nothing much happens so that might turn some people off. But it's very well done and you care about the characters. It's about people getting over thier childhood and getting their life together. There are funny moments and there are a few cringe worthy moments but it never becomes too uncomfortable and it doesn't wallow in depressing melodrama. It isn't the most exciting movie but I think it's a good one and if you like small indie movies you should check it out.
Verdict: Good acting and an overall good movie. If you are a fan of indie movies or PS Hoffman check it out.
They tried to make me go to a dermatologist – I said no, no, no.
Amy Winehouse needs help. Seriously.
Check out her face:
*click on for the full horror
What the fuck? She is turning into a monster. Remember when she was kinda hot? I mean she was never a supermodel but she was once kinda cute. I swear.
PROOF!
Now she is basically a decomposing crackwhore. She seriously looks like she is 49. She is 24 people! She was born in 1983! That can't be right but its on Wikipedia so it must be.
*From Huffington Post.
Bust a Cap in that -tion
Every week I post the Cartoon for the New Yorker’s Caption Contest, add my silly caption, and invite my readers to do the same.
This week we have a woman opening the door for parachute man. Is it her husband? Random guy? Has she been waiting for him?
What? You said I should find a hobby.
Can you do any better?
Entries due: Sunday June 15th (no issue next week)